The New Adventures of Housebound Mickey

Astound your kids with dissapointment as Mickey copes with life in his eighty's. His digestive system may be shot to pieces and his shorts maybe a few shades dirtier, but he's still the good old abusive and slightly racist Mickey we came to love as children ourselves.

Midi and Me

For most of us music is an essential ingredient to the broth of life, reflecting our deepest emotions and representing who we are as individuals. It can move, excite, enrage or even conjure up vivid memories. As listeners we use music to echo the mood of a time and give us the soundtrack to our existence.


Short Shorts - Royal Teens

There are those among who us who are the songsmiths, crafting out the music from nothing but lyrics and notes. These are the true talents in our world, stars who are rightly admired and respected for bringing wonderful sounds to our ears. Then there are those whose talents slip under the radar of normal society. These true artists are misunderstood in their own time. They are often left to their own devices in secluded pockets of the cyber world. They are the ground breakers of sound, they are the masters of melody, they are kings among men; they are the individuals who convert ordinary songs into low quality midi files.

For those of you who are unaware of these gems, midi files are faithful adaptations of regular songs, performed by people with a good musical ear and far too much time on their hands. With the help of nothing more than a Casio keyboard these melodic nuggets are the perfect way to listen to your favourite tunes in a completely new light.

I know what you’re thinking. 'Where are these midis?' 'Who do I have to kill to get my hands on them?' Well don’t fret. I was once like you, alone, incomplete, but then Louis pointed me in the direction of Gary’s midi paradise. 

The name is no exaggeration as I discovered upon my first visit to this surreal wonderland of crazed unreality. With its dazzling nocturnal background and its phenomenal three dimensional graphics, I was immediately blown away by the prospect of the fun which was in store for me.


Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash

The convenient A-Z library is bursting with recognisable classics performed in Gary’s own inimitable way. Just pick a song at random from this curious selection and you’ll understand why this musical pioneer is akin to the likes of the Beatles, David Bowie and Bobby Brown.

Feeling raucous, irresponsible and wild? Well nothing captures the balls out rock and roll feeling of Steppenwolf’s ‘Born to be Wild’ quite like this version, as the heavy guitar riffs are ousted in favour of some camp keyboard work that’s reminiscent of a week in Butlins. If you’re a fan of Johnny Cash I strongly recommend this take on ‘Folsom Prison Blues’, with its swinging bass line and jazzy upbeat lead, the prospect of a long stretch in prison never seemed more exciting.

In the classic ‘Dock of the Bay’ we can clearly see Gary’s sensitivity and piercing vision shining through, as he is able to capture the melancholic reflectivity of Otis Redding’s song writing, whilst at the same time retorting “Cheer up mate, you’re at the seaside!” A must listen for any fan of music is this delightful romp on Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher and Higher’, which to me sounds like the perfect music for a class A drugs party aimed at children.


Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson

Looking for a midi for that special someone, well nothing epitomises romance more than this take on George Harrison’s ‘Something’. Perfect for Valentine’s Days, anniversaries or the first dance at a weddings, this is a perfect example of midis at their most tenderest. So go on, surprise your other half with this, you won’t regret it till they leave you.


Something - The Beatles

Midi music files have undoubtedly changed my life in a very minute way, when listening to music now I can’t help but think, what would they sound like played on a cheap keyboard accompanied by a bank of badly sampled instruments? I can only hope that in some smal way this post will help to remember these forgotten geniuses and convert people to this most majestic of art forms. The future’s bright, the future’s midi.


YMCA - Village People

http://www.garyrog.50megs.com.

God's Mere Parlour Tricks

If you want to see it 'super-sized', click here.

Clowns, Slap and the Egg Registry

The other day I heard one of the most amazing and wonderful facts. One of those facts that on first hearing, seems unbelievable, farcical and absurd. You desperately want it to be true, but inevitably, it seems forever destined to be exposed as a sham.

I was reading an interview with the former ringmaster of the circus at Blackpool Tower, Norman Barrett, apparently one of the most famous ringmasters to crack a whip and don the top hat. He explained, in a most matter-of-fact way, about his life in the circus and the strains of traveling for a living. All routine stuff for a ringmaster you'd assume.

But then I came across this question, again answered in the straight-faced tone of utter truthfulness:

Q. Is it true that clowns have to register their faces with the clown museum?
A. Yes. They’re painted on eggs and kept so no one copies anyone else’s make-up. They are all slightly different.

This intrigued, amused and confused me in equal measure. Firstly, clowns have to register their face paint. That's incredible in itself. Secondly, the records are kept at a central depository. This level or organisation in the clowning profession is astounding. And thirdly, they keep the records painted on eggs! That, ladies and gentlemen, is genius.

I so wanted this to be true, and as such, I decided never to find out and remain in an ignorant state of happiness, safe in the knowledge that such a practice exists and is upheld. But after telling a few people, including an unbelieving Chris Unitt, a skeptical Emma Jones, and an amused Chris Randall, I was forced to back up my incredible claims.

With trepidation I entered my search terms. "Clown egg face". And there it was. The Egg Registry as a photo set on flickr.

With a rush of eggs-citement (groan) I dug further, finding the museum that holds the fabled chamber of eggs. Here is what they say on the matter:

One of the things to see inside the museum is the egg register. This shows the make-up (known as "slap") used by clowns both past and present. It is an unwritten rule that a clown never copies the make-up of another clown - each one is unique and is designed to suit the individual's face.

This was equally amusing:

** Membership includes a one off Administretion Fee which is used towards the cost of registering your 'slap' (clown face) on a china egg. which will be added to our famous Egg Collection.

If you'd like to see the eggs in all their glory, the Clowns Museum / Exhibition is now housed as part of the Wookey Hole Experience in Somerset. It is the place to visit if you enjoy the antics of the clowning profession and would like to see what and who lies behind the greasepaint.

What a fine and noble profession clowning is.

Covered in Glory: A Tribute to Tributes

So you've accepted the painful truth. You want to form a band but haven't got the talent or drive to write your own material. It's ok, I respect your honesty. But what next? The answer, quite simply is...form a tribute act.

That's right, covers bands are the last remaining hope of the wannabe rock star and a tried and tested route to the stage and shining lights of...um...a back room of a pub. So, to help you on your journey towards mimicking your idols in a not-at-all fetishistic kind of way, here is some expert* advice:

You've accepted the inevitable, now you need a new goal. The first step is to pick the band you want to tributalise. But this is not as easy as it sounds. Choosing a popular band, like The Beatles say, may bring in scores of punters, but on the flip side, may also leave you open to the most extreme prejudice, abuse and possibly violence seen outside the penal system. Pick an obscure personal favourite and, well, who knows what could happen. 

The safest option is to decide based on your probability of success. If you want to be Led Zeppelin, but can't master the first chord sequence in Wonderwall, then think again. If you want to be the Ramones but have the voice of Kathrine Jenkins, again, try something else. If, however, you can play a few Smiths tunes and have a yodeling mate with a quiff...you get the idea.

The Name

Key to any tribute band's success is the name. If walk into a venue and a tribute band with a hilarious name is playing, you will go to see them, it's practically the law. It is also your primary marketing tool. Somehow, if the name is good people automatically assume that the band will also, by extrapolation, be good. "What creative and insightful minds they must have!" they say in awe.

So, think hard. Past favourites have been AC/DShe, Bjorn Again, Fred Zeppelin, The Clone Roses, etc etc. But you can do better than that.  My personal fave is the MeatLoaf tribute called MaltLoaf. Get this right, and you're half way to success.

The Look

Once you have a name, you need the look. This can go one of two ways. Surprisingly well, or really, really shit. On past form, expect the latter, but for best results aim for the former. Have they got an idiosyncratic hat? Are they famous for a certain outfit? Do they have characteristic movements or a unique bodily feature? Whatever ever it is, copy it as best you can. And this goes for all band members (if you have any). Although any Def Leppard tribute acts, may draw a line at amputating their drummer. 

The Sound
This is probably the least important aspect of being a tribute act, but still you've come this far, why  not give it a go. Step one is the singer. Without this you are merely a live karaoke machine without lyrical prompts. I suggest singing in the shower every day (and night for you clean types), because then you can blame the awful monotone warbling on the distortion caused by the water and steamy air. 

Once the vocals are cracked, get your band together and practise. The key word in that sentence is  'together'. It's no use learning all your parts separately and rocking up to the gig to play. You will undoubtedly sound like discordant avant-garde  jazz, despite trying to emulate The Beach Boys. 

So there you have it, you're a tribute band. Now you can sit back, relax and think about why on earth you thought it was a good idea in the first place. Enjoy your meagre earnings, disinterested audiences and sweaty dives, you are well and truly a rock star.

*A lie

Words of Wisdom: The Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama (Mr. Lama to you!) is back with some kick ass styles to slap down those mother hubbards who've been calling him a pussy for the last 74 years. 

Machinarium, Beautiful New Game by Amanita Design

In true Video Wall tradition I don't normally post videos up on their own (You're too busy for that nonsense!), but this needs savouring. Machinarium is a beautiful new Flash animated computer game brought to us by Amanita Design. I don't really waste much time playing computer games anymore but I'd happily sit in front of this for hours I think - Just as long there's no overblown loading times. Clicky, Clicky Mr. Close Button.

Mmmm... suck it in.