Um OK Yeah

She Isn't an Energy Saver

2009-11-06T17:14:00.003Z

Here's a boredom doodle courtesy of my brainhole.

How Many Japanese Businessmen Can You Fit On A Train?...

2009-11-04T21:07:00.007Z

...Dead or Alive?

Well that's it, it's official. Humanity is officially too ill to survive. And to think I get narked being in town on a Saturday.

The Weekly Wound Up: The BNP on Question Time - Could it be a Good Thing?

2009-10-20T22:31:00.011+01:00

This Thursday the British public will be able to witness the spectacle of BNP leader and overall moron Nick Griffin, appearing on BBC's flagship debate show Question Time. The fact that the Beeb have given the go ahead for Griffin's appearance has, in itself, created a widespread debate over their decision and the consequences that it might have on the public. Opposition for the decision has been far reaching and from all areas of the political spectrum, from the far left to the mainstream parties. Cabinet members such as Welsh Secretary Peter Hain have even labelled the BBC's decision as 'illegal' due to the parties illegitimate admissions policy and many BBC employees have threatened to take part in the protests set to take place against their own organisation.

Like most rational and sane human beings I think the BNP are deplorable on every level and I loathe every ignorant and morally bereft principle they stand for, however I believe they do have a right to be on the show and more so that a greater good can come of this.

On a technical level, the BBCs remit is and always has been, to remain politically neutral. The sheer brilliance of the organisation lies in that fact; it is the reason why the BBC is respected and renowned across the
globe for its media coverage and that is precisely because of its unwavering neutrality and lack of bias. So it is unsurprising that this neutrality has allowed the BNP the opportunity to appear on the show, when
other fringe parties such as UKIP and The Green Party have already made several appearances. The BNP are a similar size to these parties and has two elected MEPS, however unfortunate that fact is, it does make the BBCs decision on the matter understandable.

As far as the BBC is concerned, it is not their place to make moral and political judgements on our behalf, that is what separates it from such horribly partisan news channels such as the FOX News Network. It is the fact that the BNP has two democratically elected MEPs that justifies their place on the show and rather than blaming the BBC for their appearance, the public should look to themselves and ask the more important question, how did they get these votes in the first place? Thus making them eligible in to appear on the show.

The far right have been as popular as they have ever been, the only reason that the BNP are now gaining seats is because of the complete apathy of the majority. This is why I think something good may come out of this appearance, because the reasonable majority need to be woken up and re-ignited to politics and if ever there is a good reason to, this is it.

The middle brow spectators seemed frightened that this TV appearence will act as a platform for further recruitment and would rather quietly brush such troublesome parties under the carpet, holding their hands over their eyes, humming a tune while they pretend the fascists don't exist. This is what is wrong with the political situation as it stands, that people are switched off and choose to ignore it. These parties unfortunately do exist and rather than acting as a platform for the BNP, I think it will highlight and expose their foul and wretched views to the reasonable majority and make them realise that we cannot take anything for granted.

I hope the viewing figures this Thursday are massive, and then maybe the good people will see what evil exists when they choose to do nothing.

Popcorn, Popcorn! Get your Popcorn!

2009-10-16T13:32:00.000+01:00

I'm typing this through bleary eyes today after another cracking time at Popcorn Comedy at London's Roxy Bar & Screen last night, concluding our month of Popcorn-related fun. As ever, the films were excellent, particularly Birdboxstudio's 'Pub' which bucked the trend and gave everyone a hot slice of traditional animation amongst the more surreal entries.

As you may well know, we were asked to bring Popcorn Comedy to Birmingham recently to spread the potent mix of funny videos and live performances about the place like a particularly amusing rash. I think it's safe to say it was a success!

The Electric Cinema is a fantastic venue and really provides the perfect atmosphere for films to shine. Funny or Die hit the right notes with their Dawson Brothers-scripted Too Much Minerals sketch, and Rocket Sausage's CGI-brows went down a treat too. Misery Bear achieved his usual 'awww'-factor and Swatrick Payze's Funny Fish Finger Friends was a personal favourite. Another Funny or Die entry, Photocopier, looked great too and gave off more short film vibes than out-and-out comedy which changed the pace nicely.

We gave a new film its first airing too, which was both exhilarating and mildly terrifying. We're interested to see how that goes down on YouTube, as we peered through the cracks in our fingers on the night!

Because of the cosy, cinema setting people were a little quiet at first, so Doc Brown really had to work for those laughs. Luckily he was excellent and I can't wait to see more from him in the future. His 'Slang 101' rap was a highlight, and his gangsta-rap video about equestrian dressage is just awesome.

Sensing a conservative audience, Holly Walsh came out all guns blazing and used her energy and natural banter to rouse them. She's a very funny lady and I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more of her on the tellybox very soon.

I have to say a big thanks to several people, including the Electric Cinema for being such a good venue and the staff for making it all work, Hello Digital for sponsoring the night, Birmingham Comedy Festival's Dave Freak for his continuing support, Holly Walsh and Doc Brown for coming up and doing a great job on stage, the filmmakers for submitting their lovely films, the people for coming to watch and Jon Petrie for giving us the opportunity to give it a go and helping everything run as smoothly as possible.

There were undoubtedly times when we had dark thoughts like: "Will the venue be OK?", "Will people come?" and "What if it all goes tits up and we look stupid?" Fortunately, none of those fears were founded and I'm sure everyone had a good night.

As one of the organisers I am hyper-critical of everything that went on, so the observations below are probably not indicative of the views of joe-public in the audience. But still, here's some other thoughts I think need airing.

Taking an established night to a new city is not easy. Promotion was tricky as many central venues wouldn't allow posters for out-of-house events. Listings websites also seemed slow to update given our admittedly short notice and the region's print media showed little-to-no interest in providing any coverage, a fact that I am still slightly disappointed by. Reaching the city's students is something to work on too.

Big shout out to BBC Radio though who interviewed Holly and Doc before the show, and Who's Laughing Now?, Animation Forum WM, and Created in Birmingham for the previews. Cheers!

Hyper-criticism aside, everyone seemed to really enjoy the night, we've proved to another city how unique Popcorn Comedy is, and we can't wait to bring an even better Popcorn Comedy night to Birmingham soon!

The next Popcorn Comedy night is at The Roxy Bar & Screen in London on 5 November. Check the website for more details and sign-up for updates here.

Stool Peril

2009-10-11T16:42:00.006+01:00

Ian broke out a pen and showed the white board who's boss the other day. Here's a nice iconic fancy that I cleaned up... I call him Hamish Giffins. What do you christen him?

Coming soon!... Double Stool Peril!

How to be Halloween Fabulous

2009-09-30T16:51:00.018+01:00

Everyone likes to dress up now and again. Some people prefer to keep their dressing-up habits private, and that's fine. But once every year, thanks to a frankly ludicrous American tradition, we're given the opportunity to go all out and dress as something fanciful. Yes, it's Halloween. My only problems with Halloween are that a) It doesn't mean anything, b) Most people can't be bothered, and c) When people do bother, it's always the same old costume every time.

Admittedly, some people do put the effort in, but they're in the minority. To help, I have come up with some dressing-up ideas to inspire you this Halloween. Feel free to steal, improve or ignore these suggestions.

1. The Traditional
You know the ones. Dracula, Frankenstein, witch... the classics. But be warned, even proven costumes can go very, very wrong. Firstly, all you Dracula fans. Please don't go half-arsed with your costume. If you're going to be the Prince of Darkness, make sure you look the part. Slick that hair back, get a decent cape (preferably with red lining) and work on that Romanian accent.

Also, Frankenstein. Firstly, you're Frankenstein's monster, not Frankenstein. Unless you go as a mad professor called Frankenstein, then a tip of the hat is in order.

2. The Topical
Probably the most annoying costume, but potentially the best. Mix a topical figure into a classic and you could be onto a winner. Last year everyone was dressed as Amy Winehouse mixed with the bride of Frankenstein ('s monster). That was boring after the first one, so be inventive. Don't go as Michael Jackson. I know a guy that went as a Zombie Rick Astley to a party. That was pretty good.

Or you could think of something slightly off the beaten track, like say, going as Bubbles the monkey. Think about it. A lost monkey, that once belonged to MJ, that is now alone, roaming the streets, rabidly looking for it's dead master, is creepy as hell.

3. The Controversial
This is a spin-off from the Topical and can go either way. Either you get away with it and it's funny, or you are the single most offensive person in the room, and possibly the world.

These are often inspired by things in the news. The most extreme suggestion I've ever heard was to dress as Baby P. But that's too fucked up. You might get away with a Jade Goody, but only just. Kerry Katona is still alive, so by all accounts, is fair game. Any over-enthusiasm for the drink at the bash will then only add to your adopted persona saving yourself much embarrassment.

4. The Reference

One for the geeks. Go as a retro movie character or something so obscure, you have to explain your costume to EVERYONE. I'm not even going to suggest anything here because there are geekier people than me out there that would put my ideas to shame. Leave some ideas in the comments for us.

5. The Gore
This is a niche, but an effective one. If you fail to come up with a cohesive costume, just crack out the fake blood and get creative. I want to see gashes in heads, bones sticking out, missing fingers, anything as long as it looks like you've been fed through a threshing machine and survived. Always impressive, but remember, EVERYONE will know how long it's taken you to put your masterpiece together. Highly uncool.

So there you go. I hope that helped. Get a party together and embrace the dressing-up box. Everyone should have one.

A Little Lie Down

2009-09-30T09:18:00.004+01:00

As a little treat, here are Robert Popper's silly phone calls that he introduced live at the last Popcorn Comedy. If you don't already know, Popper's alter-ego is Robin Cooper, author of the utterly brilliant Timewaster Letters books. The first clip is a phone call to Sky TV maintenance guy. He's very patient. Have a listen.

The next two vids are Popper doing his '65% good' (his words) impression of Margaret Thatcher calling the House of Lords about her lost bag. Enjoy.

If you get a call from Maggie Thatcher, I'd advise you ask if it's Robert Popper first. It'll save you a lot of time.

Popcorn = Fun

2009-09-22T15:09:00.013+01:00

We took a swift trip down to the capital on Monday to go to our new favourite comedy night Popcorn Comedy. On the menu was live stand up from Holly Walsh, Josie Long, Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz plus a load of hilarious videos from around the net.

For all our excitement we'd almost entirely forgotten we were screening anything ourselves at Popcorn. So, when the words 'Dice Productions' shimmered across the huge screen at the Tabernacle in Notting Hill as the first film up we were almost surprised.

It was very satisfying to see Message in a Bottle on a big screen again in front of such a big crowd (including famous faces like David Walliams, Graham Linehan and Edgar Wright no less). It was even better to hear the eruption of laughter when the bottle smashes into poor old Melvin's crumpled face. Poppy, the animated popcorn tub host, even chided us on our frivolous waste of perfectly good wine. And rightly so.

After that good start the quality was maintained with Holly's observational lovliness and a film about why she never became a hand model, and Josie's presentation/lecture about a man and his devotion to breakfasts which was particularly splendid.

The videos were all great with the VMA People's Choice Award-winning CGI-brows by Rocket Sausage, Second Date by Joni Browne and Misery Bear by Nat Saunders and Chris Hayward (a.k.a Worm Hotel) standing out as highlights. I also loved seeing Doc Brown's dressage-inspired rap video again and subsequently can't wait to see him – as well as Holly – live at the next Popcorn Comedy in Birmingham.

Robert Popper gave everyone a dose of Robin Cooper's wonderfully silly phonecalls (including an amazingly patient Sky customer service man and a 65% good Maggie Thatcher impression – and Peter Serafinowicz rounded off the night with a cracking set as 1969-era Paul McCartney. If you missed it, don't fret, videos for his songs are currently in production at Funny or Die.

We also met a load of new people we know through Twitter and caught up with Julian and Gus from Kipple/Youpigs as well as meeting FoD head James Serafinowicz and Holly for the first time.

Big thanks to Jon for inviting us down and showing our stuff, as well as putting on a great show.
Our man in the field Chris went as far as describing the night as "the best £7 I've spent in London in a long time", and I'm inclined to believe him.

Roll on Popcorn Birmingham! To buy tickets, click this link HERE.

Dice x

Thunk

2009-09-02T13:39:00.002+01:00

It's all Greek innit.

Running Wild - Part I

2009-09-01T22:32:00.014+01:00

After finishing all five seasons of 'The Wire' and an end to the long cycle of weddings and numerous preceding stag does, I have found there is a void in the 'hobby' section of my life. The highly personal goal that everyone apparently needs to keep them fulfilled as a functioning human being, or at least to have something to lord it up over acquaintances and homeless people alike. So what have I found to keep me off a life of violent crime, the Tour de France? The Gloucester cheese rolling competition? Speed balling? Close but no cigar, I've enlisted in the most prestigious sporting event of our generation, the 2009 Birmingham Half Marathon.

In case you were wondering, that's thirteen whole English miles, 21 European kilometres or a staggering 42,000 half metres. In essence, it's quite far. To make life more difficult for myself I've also set a target of finishing the race in under two hours (the duration of around two episodes of the wire). This seemed to make complete sense at the time, until I signed up that is and I was struck by the sheer insignificance of my task when put into the context of human existence. Moments of soul searching followed and resulted in a serious rethink of my strategy in which I found my motivation; I have to win it.

You heard me right, I'm going to win the EDF Birmingham half-marathon 2009 on the eleventh of October. Apart from the glorious kudos one would receive from the small Birmingham based papers for winning, the champion also walks (or runs!) away with a handsome sum of pocket wedge, in the region of £30,000. For a man who's strapped for cash that's a hell of a lot of mullah, so it therefore stands to reason that my ambition to win far outstretches those doing it for reasons of health, charity or professional competition. I want thirty grand ergo I will run faster, it really is that simple. Just look at Paula Radcliffe, I'm pretty sure she doesn't just piss in the street for the fun of it.

I also have an ace up my sleeve, surprise! If you were to think of runners you would usually conjure up images of tall and slender individuals who can run for days with their veloceraptor like strides. I on the other hand am short, wide and indifferent. However I intend to flip reverse this disadvantage that nature has given me and turn it into an... good thing, by using my stature to nudge the more waif-like competitors out of contention in a Ben Hur chariot race sort of style. I'm unsure as to the rules on the use of physical contact/violence in long distance running, but I figure that a moderate/severe jostling of fellow runners may escape the glare of the dreaded marathon police.

So there you have it, physically, mentally and logistically I am prepared for victory (Disappointment training features later on). I shall update regularly with my progress, thoughts and running related paraphernalia. Wish me luck.

Happenstance Dance

2009-09-01T14:24:00.003+01:00

Here's what happens if you happen by chance to do the Happenstance Dance.

R.I.P Danny DeVito

Five Tip Top Hints to Wordualise a Literary Hit

2009-08-14T17:30:00.007+01:00

Here's a fantastic article that Ian found written by Bournville College. I'm putting this up here mainly because I know I'll loose the link and regret never being able to find it again.

The article explores George Orwell's 5 rules to good writing, including an inspiring smackdown quote from Ernest Hemingway. Here are the rules. Slosh about in the original article HERE.

Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figures of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

Here's Ernst to lead us out with a buzz phrase to look down thread super bitched up on the street:

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.

Reid: Does the Recession

2009-08-13T23:18:00.016+01:00

Is it just me or is everyone else just about pissed off with hearing the term 'in the current climate', "In the 'current climate' you're lucky to have a job in the first place", "in the 'current climate' you should be happy with what you're earning. In the 'current climate' our Johnny's just thankful that he's still got his legs."

Of course the times are tough for the majority, but what annoys me is the decision makers who are more than happy to use the recession in order to shit on people from a great height. For many of them this is a great opportunity to get away with fiscal murder, as they now have the perfect alibi to dismiss and heavily underpay their employees. So how did this happen?

As all of you who already know me are aware, my forte happens to be macroeconomics and international reactionary monetary solutions, so let me explain the whole situation to you, IN RAP FORM:

DRUMS...
#It all started out with American banks,

Spunking money up the wall like they were having a wank,

But the mess they created was their mortgages,

And now the ordinary people can't afford-to-jizz.

Then it spread across the pond to the Northern Rock,

Then the money situation was truly focked,

Up. and. beyond belief,

Then the government was called in for fiscal relief,

So they bailed out the banks to save peoples savings,

But for Gordon Brown no, they never forgave him,

He spent all our money on quantitative easing,

He thought it would be good but it wasn't a’ pleasing,

So we're still pissed off about those toxic debts,

A fact that the general public never forgets,

And now we're faced with high figures of unemployment,

Something that's giving us no enjoyment,

But I’m bored now of this mother fucking recession,

So I’m off now to have a huge brain-storming session,

WORD.

After giving you such a concise and accurate context to the global recession, I'd like to discuss my practical ideas regarding the 'current climate'. It has become apparent that after the initial hype, mass suicides and Armageddon warnings have subsided, we have now come to terms with how powerless we are in the face of this problem and have accepted that our government is merely a limp dick on the feeble financial body of the world. So with that in mind, I have worked up a list of suggestions which reflects general public opinion, if not solving the problem altogether.

1) By legal decree, force all those in the financial sector to change their job titles from 'bankers' to 'wankers', a petulant and obvious amendment that will be enjoyed by 95% of the population as trips to the bank will be made comical and eerily representative. "Hi I'm James, I'll be your investment wanker for today..." or "Hello there, I’m your general wank manager, let's take a look at this wank account you've got with us. Well aren't I just a big fucking wanker."

2) Make all politicians wear happy face masks everywhere they go in order to reassure us proles that the situation is 'OK'.

3) In the spirit of quantitive easing, make Monopoly money legal tender for exactly one day.

4) Decimation of the wanking executives: Line up all of the CEO's in a random order and execute every tenth man or woman.

5) The dream factory of savings: Enforce a Deal Or No Deal type policy into Northern Rock and other state aided banks. With this government guaranteed savings goes out the window in favour of high drama. In this shit or bust game customers get to risk their entire life savings on one chance with 22 identical sealed boxes and a now publically owned Noel Edmunds.

6) 'Bring a homeless to work day': an adaptation of the TV programme Wifeswap only with tramps, it's basically a Marxist model of wealth sharing.

7) Pay everyone in loose change: Everyone will want to throw it back into the Economy as soon as possible.

8) Claim your own debts to be toxic thereby forcing the government to buy them off you; an easy way to get you back in the black.

9) For all those in abject fear of moving on to the property ladder, take yourselves and your loved ones and move into a ditch. Ditches are often overlooked as primary residences, but contrary to popular belief cost very little in upkeep and heating bills.

10) If all else fails suicide is ALWAYS an option.

I hope I’ve been of help to you in these most troubled of times. I’m off now to put my plans in to action before the economy turns around. Ta ta.

Entering Aladdin's Cave...

2009-08-10T09:14:00.017+01:00

This weekend, after a day pretending to be grown-ups at a friend's wedding in Bridgnorth, Louis and I took a stroll with our girlfriends around the old town to sooth our mildly hungover heads and damage our feet further in our inappropriate footwear.

Thankfully our friction burns were not in vain as we discovered a little antiques shop on the way home. At first, like you, we assumed this would be the usual knackered desks and Victoriana. But to our surprise (and yours) it was full of strange and wonderful things. Here are a few of our finds.

The first gem we unearthed was this rather stylish and most charming pink PVC recliner with black plastic trim and just enough seat space for a modestly proportioned rear.

As you can see, sitting in the chair induces feelings of jollity, childlike wonder and mild confusion, which you must admit, are qualities not found in most pink PVC chairs. Louis described the sitting experience as "ok" which i am taking to mean "alright", which I think is passable given its vintage nature.

After another mooch around Louis found these peculiar items sitting together. Initially I assumed they were mock-Victorian items, fashioned to resemble the humble rolling pin and iron. But Louis knew better.

"They're gang signs," he informed me, holding them in the traditionally menacing fashion of a violent youth to demonstrate. "The rolling pin symbolises control and the iron is a classical representation of hip-hop legend and household guru TuPax," he explained. Well, you learn something every day, don't you.

Now armed with our street weapons we continued, eager to discover more rare and valuable items. And boy were we in luck! For across the room sat a most extradorinary example of mid-1980s techno-art.

This item requires some detailed explanation. The piece comprises a white wooden box with a 'viewing window' for access to the core of the work.

Within lies a purple enclave with a lightning design, of course made popular by Dr Munroe Freshtackle. Set into the back wall is a clear moulded plastic face, possibly a representation of a bald Madonna. Below the face is a microphone in Microsoft beige.

Now here's the clever bit. If you speak into the mic, your voice activates a 'lightning ball' effect within the plastic skull. A feat that would have put you on a par with Uri Geller or Paul Daniels in the mists of the '80s. Why this item had yet to sell for the bargain price of £89 we could not fathom.

After adjusting our eyes back to the neon glare of the Noughties, we found a true collectors item.

Yes, it's a real one. An original pressing of Billie Piper's first album 'Billie' on stereo cassette. Louis could barely contain his excitement, while I, still suffering from the hallucinogenic effects of the '80s lightning face, thought it was all a preposterous dream. But no, it was true.

Sadly our coffers did not extend to such an extravagant purchase and we moved on, looking back longingly at the musical time-capsule we had to leave behind.

This here was another intriguing find. As it is a well-established fact that music lovers are also rather partial to the penguin, I shall not bore you with a history of arctic birds and their relation to popular culture.

But I will point out that this piece is of special note, as it caters for those 'high-end' collectors with 11 compact discs! Here is a suggested set-up:

Best of the Beatles
Best of Rolling Stones
Barbara Streisand Sings Christmas
Best of Bowie
Summer Holiday - Cliff Richard
Enter the Wu-Tang Clan - Wu-Tang Clan
Moon Patrol - Air
Aqualung - Jethro Tull
Coast to Coast - Westlife
Infest - Papa Roach
Summer Holiday - Cliff Richard (in case one breaks)

So remember, don't just walk past the next antiques shop you see, cursing its name. Go in, have a look around and find that special something for a loved one.

Words in the 5th Dimension - Hello Officer

2009-07-28T18:21:00.006+01:00

Closed in. Grey. Kitchen table. Door handle. Rain. Colours? Textures? Rhubarb? Ouch! Sharp in oh so many ways. Oh the pain! Stop mocking me! Bush russle. Faster. Hup. What a day to climb a fence in mother's underwear. I hope I don't - I'm snagged! How do you explain something like this? Maybe the police station will have a leaflet?

Hello officer. No, this isn't my house, no. Oh.

The Claw Hands are Coming!

2009-07-24T11:14:00.007+01:00

You wanna know what it feels like to be an animator?! Huh?! Well 4mations' Madevi Dailly (pictured) will tell ya what it feels like! HERE! I guess you could say it felt somewhat familiar.

Just realised that the photo above looks like a catagorisation of species. The pasty, hunchbacked Claw Hands are coming... to an obscurely tedious job near you! Although I think Willard Wigan already got there.

I'm not racist I just don't like raw cheese

2009-07-20T14:37:00.004+01:00

If you know me well you probably know that I'm not a fan of 'raw' cheese, whilst my dicey counterparts could be described as cheese-embracers. I admit that I have a problem. I want to change and already even have my exceptions.

Are there other Raw Cheesers out there? Are we just being socially pressurised by the filthy masses to consume their moldy lumps? Maybe THEY'RE WRONG!

Viva la fondu!

The New Adventures of Housebound Mickey

2009-07-09T07:17:00.011+01:00

Astound your kids with dissapointment as Mickey copes with life in his eighty's. His digestive system may be shot to pieces and his shorts maybe a few shades dirtier, but he's still the good old abusive and slightly racist Mickey we came to love as children ourselves.

Midi and Me

2009-06-04T23:13:00.006+01:00

For most of us music is an essential ingredient to the broth of life, reflecting our deepest emotions and representing who we are as individuals. It can move, excite, enrage or even conjure up vivid memories. As listeners we use music to echo the mood of a time and give us the soundtrack to our existence.

Short Shorts - Royal Teens

There are those among who us who are the songsmiths, crafting out the music from nothing but lyrics and notes. These are the true talents in our world, stars who are rightly admired and respected for bringing wonderful sounds to our ears. Then there are those whose talents slip under the radar of normal society. These true artists are misunderstood in their own time. They are often left to their own devices in secluded pockets of the cyber world. They are the ground breakers of sound, they are the masters of melody, they are kings among men; they are the individuals who convert ordinary songs into low quality midi files.

For those of you who are unaware of these gems, midi files are faithful adaptations of regular songs, performed by people with a good musical ear and far too much time on their hands. With the help of nothing more than a Casio keyboard these melodic nuggets are the perfect way to listen to your favourite tunes in a completely new light.

I know what you’re thinking. 'Where are these midis?' 'Who do I have to kill to get my hands on them?' Well don’t fret. I was once like you, alone, incomplete, but then Louis pointed me in the direction of Gary’s midi paradise.

The name is no exaggeration as I discovered upon my first visit to this surreal wonderland of crazed unreality. With its dazzling nocturnal background and its phenomenal three dimensional graphics, I was immediately blown away by the prospect of the fun which was in store for me.

Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash

The convenient A-Z library is bursting with recognisable classics performed in Gary’s own inimitable way. Just pick a song at random from this curious selection and you’ll understand why this musical pioneer is akin to the likes of the Beatles, David Bowie and Bobby Brown.

Feeling raucous, irresponsible and wild? Well nothing captures the balls out rock and roll feeling of Steppenwolf’s ‘Born to be Wild’ quite like this version, as the heavy guitar riffs are ousted in favour of some camp keyboard work that’s reminiscent of a week in Butlins. If you’re a fan of Johnny Cash I strongly recommend this take on ‘Folsom Prison Blues’, with its swinging bass line and jazzy upbeat lead, the prospect of a long stretch in prison never seemed more exciting.

In the classic ‘Dock of the Bay’ we can clearly see Gary’s sensitivity and piercing vision shining through, as he is able to capture the melancholic reflectivity of Otis Redding’s song writing, whilst at the same time retorting “Cheer up mate, you’re at the seaside!” A must listen for any fan of music is this delightful romp on Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher and Higher’, which to me sounds like the perfect music for a class A drugs party aimed at children.

Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson

Looking for a midi for that special someone, well nothing epitomises romance more than this take on George Harrison’s ‘Something’. Perfect for Valentine’s Days, anniversaries or the first dance at a weddings, this is a perfect example of midis at their most tenderest. So go on, surprise your other half with this, you won’t regret it till they leave you.

Something - The Beatles

Midi music files have undoubtedly changed my life in a very minute way, when listening to music now I can’t help but think, what would they sound like played on a cheap keyboard accompanied by a bank of badly sampled instruments? I can only hope that in some smal way this post will help to remember these forgotten geniuses and convert people to this most majestic of art forms. The future’s bright, the future’s midi.

YMCA - Village People

http://www.garyrog.50megs.com.

God's Mere Parlour Tricks

2009-05-15T16:13:00.001+01:00

If you want to see it 'super-sized', click here.

Clowns, Slap and the Egg Registry

2009-05-08T10:23:00.004+01:00

The other day I heard one of the most amazing and wonderful facts. One of those facts that on first hearing, seems unbelievable, farcical and absurd. You desperately want it to be true, but inevitably, it seems forever destined to be exposed as a sham.

I was reading an interview with the former ringmaster of the circus at Blackpool Tower, Norman Barrett, apparently one of the most famous ringmasters to crack a whip and don the top hat. He explained, in a most matter-of-fact way, about his life in the circus and the strains of traveling for a living. All routine stuff for a ringmaster you'd assume.

But then I came across this question, again answered in the straight-faced tone of utter truthfulness:

Q. Is it true that clowns have to register their faces with the clown museum?
A. Yes. They’re painted on eggs and kept so no one copies anyone else’s make-up. They are all slightly different.

This intrigued, amused and confused me in equal measure. Firstly, clowns have to register their face paint. That's incredible in itself. Secondly, the records are kept at a central depository. This level or organisation in the clowning profession is astounding. And thirdly, they keep the records painted on eggs! That, ladies and gentlemen, is genius.

I so wanted this to be true, and as such, I decided never to find out and remain in an ignorant state of happiness, safe in the knowledge that such a practice exists and is upheld. But after telling a few people, including an unbelieving Chris Unitt, a skeptical Emma Jones, and an amused Chris Randall, I was forced to back up my incredible claims.

With trepidation I entered my search terms. "Clown egg face". And there it was. The Egg Registry as a photo set on flickr.

With a rush of eggs-citement (groan) I dug further, finding the museum that holds the fabled chamber of eggs. Here is what they say on the matter:

One of the things to see inside the museum is the egg register. This shows the make-up (known as "slap") used by clowns both past and present. It is an unwritten rule that a clown never copies the make-up of another clown - each one is unique and is designed to suit the individual's face.

This was equally amusing:

** Membership includes a one off Administretion Fee which is used towards the cost of registering your 'slap' (clown face) on a china egg. which will be added to our famous Egg Collection.

If you'd like to see the eggs in all their glory, the Clowns Museum / Exhibition is now housed as part of the Wookey Hole Experience in Somerset. It is the place to visit if you enjoy the antics of the clowning profession and would like to see what and who lies behind the greasepaint.

What a fine and noble profession clowning is.

Covered in Glory: A Tribute to Tributes

2009-05-01T18:14:00.011+01:00

So you've accepted the painful truth. You want to form a band but haven't got the talent or drive to write your own material. It's ok, I respect your honesty. But what next? The answer, quite simply is...form a tribute act.

That's right, covers bands are the last remaining hope of the wannabe rock star and a tried and tested route to the stage and shining lights of...um...a back room of a pub. So, to help you on your journey towards mimicking your idols in a not-at-all fetishistic kind of way, here is some expert* advice:

You've accepted the inevitable, now you need a new goal. The first step is to pick the band you want to tributalise. But this is not as easy as it sounds. Choosing a popular band, like The Beatles say, may bring in scores of punters, but on the flip side, may also leave you open to the most extreme prejudice, abuse and possibly violence seen outside the penal system. Pick an obscure personal favourite and, well, who knows what could happen.

The safest option is to decide based on your probability of success. If you want to be Led Zeppelin, but can't master the first chord sequence in Wonderwall, then think again. If you want to be the Ramones but have the voice of Kathrine Jenkins, again, try something else. If, however, you can play a few Smiths tunes and have a yodeling mate with a quiff...you get the idea.

The Name

Key to any tribute band's success is the name. If walk into a venue and a tribute band with a hilarious name is playing, you will go to see them, it's practically the law. It is also your primary marketing tool. Somehow, if the name is good people automatically assume that the band will also, by extrapolation, be good. "What creative and insightful minds they must have!" they say in awe.

So, think hard. Past favourites have been AC/DShe, Bjorn Again, Fred Zeppelin, The Clone Roses, etc etc. But you can do better than that. My personal fave is the MeatLoaf tribute called MaltLoaf. Get this right, and you're half way to success.

The Look

Once you have a name, you need the look. This can go one of two ways. Surprisingly well, or really, really shit. On past form, expect the latter, but for best results aim for the former. Have they got an idiosyncratic hat? Are they famous for a certain outfit? Do they have characteristic movements or a unique bodily feature? Whatever ever it is, copy it as best you can. And this goes for all band members (if you have any). Although any Def Leppard tribute acts, may draw a line at amputating their drummer.

The Sound
This is probably the least important aspect of being a tribute act, but still you've come this far, why not give it a go. Step one is the singer. Without this you are merely a live karaoke machine without lyrical prompts. I suggest singing in the shower every day (and night for you clean types), because then you can blame the awful monotone warbling on the distortion caused by the water and steamy air.

Once the vocals are cracked, get your band together and practise. The key word in that sentence is 'together'. It's no use learning all your parts separately and rocking up to the gig to play. You will undoubtedly sound like discordant avant-garde jazz, despite trying to emulate The Beach Boys.

So there you have it, you're a tribute band. Now you can sit back, relax and think about why on earth you thought it was a good idea in the first place. Enjoy your meagre earnings, disinterested audiences and sweaty dives, you are well and truly a rock star.

*A lie

Words of Wisdom: The Dalai Lama

2009-04-29T23:10:00.002+01:00

The Dalai Lama (Mr. Lama to you!) is back with some kick ass styles to slap down those mother hubbards who've been calling him a pussy for the last 74 years.

Machinarium, Beautiful New Game by Amanita Design

2009-04-28T23:38:00.003+01:00

In true Video Wall tradition I don't normally post videos up on their own (You're too busy for that nonsense!), but this needs savouring. Machinarium is a beautiful new Flash animated computer game brought to us by Amanita Design. I don't really waste much time playing computer games anymore but I'd happily sit in front of this for hours I think - Just as long there's no overblown loading times. Clicky, Clicky Mr. Close Button.

Mmmm... suck it in.

Fair Trade on XtraNormal.com

2009-04-20T10:41:00.007+01:00

Louis stumbled across animation site XtraNormal the other day, and I'm already hooked. It's a pretty powerful online animation tool that lets you make your own animated films without so much as a clue of how to animate. All you have to do is pick a setting, pick some characters, and type in a script for them to read out. I had a play with it by putting one of our sketches called Fair Trade into the system, you can see the results here:

The only downsides are the robotic voices, but to be fair, they aren't that bad. It isn't likely to be free for long, so get your creative juices flowing soon.