Mince, Pies and Videotape

As it's nearly Christmas, I'm going to help you decide what to buy your nearest and dearest to avoid those awkward "Oh...thanks...um...great" moments around the tree on the big day. And what better way to help than to suggest not only a great present, but a potentially life changing purchase...that could literally change your life.

That's right, I know what everyone needs after a gut-busting festive period. Why, a fitness video of course. But which one of the myriad titles festooned upon us this winterval should you choose? I've narrowed it down to two, both of which look obesely flabulous.

First up is the '5 Step Fat Attack' by former band/camp-dance-troupe/line-dancing-posse member, Claire from Steps. Claire - real name Claire Fromsteps - has clearly been busy since leaving the band. As the cover art shows, she made the most of the royalties from hits like '5,6,7,8' and...um...others, by piling on the pounds. Safe in the knowledge that she used to be a bit out of shape, you too can follow her lead and become a better person.

Let's take a look.

Inspiring stuff. So the message is clear, if you want to get fit, you've got to declare a war on terror...but on fat, preferably in a disused canteen. And remember, punching is the new not eating. Claire from Steps says so.

Next we have the other big hitter vying for your hard-earned dollar. It's from long-forgotten TV health hero Max Fitness who, after a long spell in the depths of deep self-loathing, has re-emerged with a new workout available on VHS, cassette and minidisc. Whack this on and Max will choke back the tears to bust a cap in yo' flabby ass, so to speak. There won't be a dry artery in the house after this is unwrapped.

Let's see his words of wisdom.

Just fantastic. With advice like this selling for a song on the street, it's a wonder why child obesity is still rife in the UK.

But which one should you choose? Which one will devour those love handles in minutes? Which one will counteract the 10 pints and kebab you had last night? To pick a winner, I have devised a test. My brother Phil is a fitness guru. I let him loose on both videos to crown the ultimate christmas workout video. I have plotted the results on the graph below.

It's pretty conclusive, I think it says it all really. So, all that's left for me to say is, have a healthy Christmas, don't eat too much, and watch your new video in the knowledge that you've got the best advice available on the market today.

But if that fails, Mr Motivator is on his way back to TV, no doubt in a spandex-clad private jet powered exclusively by squat thrusts and the occasional lunge (for steering of course).

Stay fit!

Ian Ravenscroft