Thursday, 13 August 2009

Reid: Does the Recession

Is it just me or is everyone else just about pissed off with hearing the term 'in the current climate', "In the 'current climate' you're lucky to have a job in the first place", "in the 'current climate' you should be happy with what you're earning. In the 'current climate' our Johnny's just thankful that he's still got his legs."

Of course the times are tough for the majority, but what annoys me is the decision makers who are more than happy to use the recession in order to shit on people from a great height. For many of them this is a great opportunity to get away with fiscal murder, as they now have the perfect alibi to dismiss and heavily underpay their employees. So how did this happen?

As all of you who already know me are aware, my forte happens to be macroeconomics and international reactionary monetary solutions, so let me explain the whole situation to you, IN RAP FORM:

#It all started out with American banks,
Spunking money up the wall like they were having a wank,
But the mess they created was their mortgages,
And now the ordinary people can't afford-to-jizz.
Then it spread across the pond to the Northern Rock,
Then the money situation was truly focked,
Up. and. beyond belief,
Then the government was called in for fiscal relief,
So they bailed out the banks to save peoples savings,
But for Gordon Brown no, they never forgave him,
He spent all our money on quantitative easing,
He thought it would be good but it wasn't a’ pleasing,
So we're still pissed off about those toxic debts,
A fact that the general public never forgets,
And now we're faced with high figures of unemployment,
Something that's giving us no enjoyment,
But I’m bored now of this mother fucking recession,
So I’m off now to have a huge brain-storming session,

After giving you such a concise and accurate context to the global recession, I'd like to discuss my practical ideas regarding the 'current climate'. It has become apparent that after the initial hype, mass suicides and Armageddon warnings have subsided, we have now come to terms with how powerless we are in the face of this problem and have accepted that our government is merely a limp dick on the feeble financial body of the world. So with that in mind, I have worked up a list of suggestions which reflects general public opinion, if not solving the problem altogether.

1) By legal decree, force all those in the financial sector to change their job titles from 'bankers' to 'wankers', a petulant and obvious amendment that will be enjoyed by 95% of the population as trips to the bank will be made comical and eerily representative. "Hi I'm James, I'll be your investment wanker for today..." or "Hello there, I’m your general wank manager, let's take a look at this wank account you've got with us. Well aren't I just a big fucking wanker."

2) Make all politicians wear happy face masks everywhere they go in order to reassure us proles that the situation is 'OK'.

3) In the spirit of quantitive easing, make Monopoly money legal tender for exactly one day.

4) Decimation of the wanking executives: Line up all of the CEO's in a random order and execute every tenth man or woman.

5) The dream factory of savings: Enforce a Deal Or No Deal type policy into Northern Rock and other state aided banks. With this government guaranteed savings goes out the window in favour of high drama. In this shit or bust game customers get to risk their entire life savings on one chance with 22 identical sealed boxes and a now publically owned Noel Edmunds.

6) 'Bring a homeless to work day': an adaptation of the TV programme Wifeswap only with tramps, it's basically a Marxist model of wealth sharing.

7) Pay everyone in loose change: Everyone will want to throw it back into the Economy as soon as possible.

8) Claim your own debts to be toxic thereby forcing the government to buy them off you; an easy way to get you back in the black.

9) For all those in abject fear of moving on to the property ladder, take yourselves and your loved ones and move into a ditch. Ditches are often overlooked as primary residences, but contrary to popular belief cost very little in upkeep and heating bills.

10) If all else fails suicide is ALWAYS an option.

I hope I’ve been of help to you in these most troubled of times. I’m off now to put my plans in to action before the economy turns around. Ta ta.

1 comment:

  1. Couldn't agree more - good write up dudes!