Friday, 6 March 2009

Reverend Colonel Truckett’s Miscellany of Conglomerated Words

Do you find it difficult to join in conversation with other human beings? Do you sometimes struggle to get your point across to strangers? Are you generally considered to be a boring, pathetic individual?

Then never fear! Doctor Reverend Colonel Truckett’s Miscellany of Conglomerated Words is here to fill in that void where your personality should be. With these patented old timey phrases obtained through years of plagiarism and verbal pillaging, your life can be changed! Yes! That’s right, modified!

Chapter one of this Paperback Bing Bang Bonanza offers you the best in classic metaphors and shows you how to use them in everyday situations to create the illusion of meaningful conversation.
"But what about us who can't understand nofing?"
I hear you scream. Well not to worry. From the Queen of Belgium to the intellectually bereft (you), Truckett’s Miscellany will explain (tell you) every gosh darn saying you need to know!

"Storm in a tea cup? Live by the sword die by the sword? Don't knock a gift horse in the mouth? Are you queer or something?"
No silly, I'm just ‘yanking your chain’... I'm talking in sayings of course. These crazy and often half-sodden phrases will leave others bewitched with your verbal devilcraft. Let's start with some personal favourites.

'Those who throw stones shouldn't live in glass houses' – Because we all know that people who do throw stones enjoy their privacy greatly.

'Making a mountain out of a mole hill' - Making a big deal outta nothing (I used this exact defence in court when i had a misdemeanour with those chilluns)

'Pot calling the kettle black' - A racist slur

'One in the hand is worth two in the bush' - Positive admiration of the female anatomy

'Too many cooks spoil the broth' - Extreme irony, because of course we all know that they'd surely make it better

'You can't teach an old dog new tricks' - Someone sassin' yo mamma.

'Many hands make light work' - The benefits of communal masturbation

'Lightning never strikes the same place twice' - This is a lie.

'Variety is the spice of life' - This has seen many variations through history. Variety previously being interposed with drugs in the 1960's, Aryanism in the 1930's, paedophilia in the late Victorian period and finally spice in the 18th century.

For all these and many, many, many more poorer examples step right up and empty your billfolds to purchase Colonel Reverend Colonel Truckett’s Miscellany of Conglomerated Words!

In Chapter 2 we move on to Insults, so make sure you buy now you chiggling whoresons of a mongrel bitchdog!

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