How to be Halloween Fabulous

Everyone likes to dress up now and again. Some people prefer to keep their dressing-up habits private, and that's fine. But once every year, thanks to a frankly ludicrous American tradition, we're given the opportunity to go all out and dress as something fanciful. Yes, it's Halloween. My only problems with Halloween are that a) It doesn't mean anything, b) Most people can't be bothered, and c) When people do bother, it's always the same old costume every time.

Admittedly, some people do put the effort in, but they're in the minority. To help, I have come up with some dressing-up ideas to inspire you this Halloween. Feel free to steal, improve or ignore these suggestions.

1. The Traditional
You know the ones. Dracula, Frankenstein, witch... the classics. But be warned, even proven costumes can go very, very wrong. Firstly, all you Dracula fans. Please don't go half-arsed with your costume. If you're going to be the Prince of Darkness, make sure you look the part. Slick that hair back, get a decent cape (preferably with red lining) and work on that Romanian accent.

Also, Frankenstein. Firstly, you're Frankenstein's monster, not Frankenstein. Unless you go as a mad professor called Frankenstein, then a tip of the hat is in order.

2. The Topical
Probably the most annoying costume, but potentially the best. Mix a topical figure into a classic and you could be onto a winner. Last year everyone was dressed as Amy Winehouse mixed with the bride of Frankenstein ('s monster). That was boring after the first one, so be inventive. Don't go as Michael Jackson. I know a guy that went as a Zombie Rick Astley to a party. That was pretty good.

Or you could think of something slightly off the beaten track, like say, going as Bubbles the monkey. Think about it. A lost monkey, that once belonged to MJ, that is now alone, roaming the streets, rabidly looking for it's dead master, is creepy as hell.

3. The Controversial
This is a spin-off from the Topical and can go either way. Either you get away with it and it's funny, or you are the single most offensive person in the room, and possibly the world.

These are often inspired by things in the news. The most extreme suggestion I've ever heard was to dress as Baby P. But that's too fucked up. You might get away with a Jade Goody, but only just. Kerry Katona is still alive, so by all accounts, is fair game. Any over-enthusiasm for the drink at the bash will then only add to your adopted persona saving yourself much embarrassment.

4. The Reference

One for the geeks. Go as a retro movie character or something so obscure, you have to explain your costume to EVERYONE. I'm not even going to suggest anything here because there are geekier people than me out there that would put my ideas to shame. Leave some ideas in the comments for us.

5. The Gore
This is a niche, but an effective one. If you fail to come up with a cohesive costume, just crack out the fake blood and get creative. I want to see gashes in heads, bones sticking out, missing fingers, anything as long as it looks like you've been fed through a threshing machine and survived. Always impressive, but remember, EVERYONE will know how long it's taken you to put your masterpiece together. Highly uncool.

So there you go. I hope that helped. Get a party together and embrace the dressing-up box. Everyone should have one.

Five Tip Top Hints to Wordualise a Literary Hit

Here's a fantastic article that Ian found written by Bournville College. I'm putting this up here mainly because I know I'll loose the link and regret never being able to find it again.

The article explores George Orwell's 5 rules to good writing, including an inspiring smackdown quote from Ernest Hemingway. Here are the rules. Slosh about in the original article HERE.

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figures of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

Here's Ernst to lead us out with a buzz phrase to look down thread super bitched up on the street:

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.